seasons & lifetimes.

people come and they go throughout your life. people are meant to be in your life for a season or lifetime, that is how the saying goes right? And those people who are their for a season were their to teach you something. whether if it is not to be so naive, or be so non-trusting, etc etc. When I was in school i thought friendship lasted forever. well, your CLOSE friends. ya know your best friends for life, your "sisters", your bitches etc etc. then it seems as the years passed your truest friends dropped like flies. they you are confused about the concept of friendship and trust. its like the feeling of a large boulder suddenly being dropped on your heart. then you become lonely.. i mean your TRUEST CLOSEST SISTER just effing dissed you, you think i will trust anyone? yes it is like that. you push everyone else away until you start to yearn for closeness. then you open yourself back up.. with restrictions of course. then something else goes wrong and you shut yourself out once again. i have been shut out for awhile. like an insect being trapped in its cocoon and unable to break free. its almost impossible to trust. and it seems like everywhere i turn my heart is broken. a few years ago i was having a conversation with my cousin and she asked me "Who do you think you will still be friends with when school is done and over with?" I named a few people, and ironically i am no longer friend with those individuals. for reasons known and unknown. but when i look back, everyone of those bitches taught me something. they made me wiser, more realistic, and very distrusting person. i was never the one to end a friendship. it just isn't me. well relapse, i use to never be the one to end the friendship. i ended ONE and in the end i found out that SHE was a true friend. i remember sitting in a car listening to "friends" having the audacity to tell me that THEY were my true friends. THEY will never do anything to hurt me. THEY will always be there. SHE was not a true friend. like an idiot i believe them. i trusted them. i poured my heart and feelings into them. ironically that was less then a year ago. THEY went and formed their own friendship, THEY are planning to move on with their lives, THEY are their for one another but rarely keep in touch with me. their reasons are because everyone is doing their own thing and they dont want to interfere. translation: we grew out of our friendship with you and formed our own. and in my times of loneliness the friend i dissed is still here for me. still best friends. still there. i may sound dramatic, but my emotions run deep. i have no "layers" or "surfaces". you cut me once it'll never happen again. its gets to the point i have to fight the feeling of making that individual feel the hurt of breaking my heart. make those hoes feel how it feels to be hurt, ya know? i had got to the point of being unforgiving. BUT.. i got passed all the hurt, the relentlessness, the revenge. it takes a lot of energy to hold grudges and feel hurt all the time. the shit is like a domino affect. shit, i feel i always did a lot for my friends and the ones i use to call "sisters". i poured my heart out to them. i even made one the godmother of my child entrusting her with my son's life. shit hurts.. a lot. but we live and we learn. at 19, i feel i have come to the realization of what that saying means. "people are in your life for a season or a lifetime". as much as the pain still lingers, i thank the individuals that were in my life for that season. i am who i am because of you. and i wish success and properity to those that were seasonal in my life. but most importantly i thank the ones who will be in my life for a lifetime, all of you are unknown to me as of now.. but i will find out as soon as the lord above makes it known.