2010 Resolutions.

New Year’s Resolutions of 2010.


TOP 3 SELF IMPROVEMENT GOALS.
1. WORK OUT BETWEEN 2-3 TIMES WEEKLY.
2. MINIMIZE FAST FOOD TO 3 TIMES A WEEK MAXIMUM.
3. READ A MINIMUM OF 2 NOVELS MONTHLY (24 BOOKS TOTAL).


TOP 3 FINANCIAL GOALS.
1. SAVE MINIMUM OF $100 MONTHLY IN SAVINGS ACCOUNT ($1800 TOTAL).
2. BUILD CREDIT SCORE TO MINIMUM OF 720 BY END OF YEAR.
3. BUDGET A MONTHLY FINANCE AND STICK TO IT.


TOP 3 ACADEMIC GOALS.
1. MAINTAIN A GPA OF 3.0 EACH SEMESTER.
2. ATTEND AT LEAST 2 ON CAMPUS CLASSES EACH SEMESTER.
3. RETURN TO UNLV BY FALL SEMESTER 2010-2011.


TOP 3 MOTHERLY GOALS.
1. MINIMUM OF 1 DAY A WEEK OF ALONE TIME.
2. READ HIM A MINIMUM OF ONE NOVEL MONTHLY.
3. ENROLL HIM IN A PHYSICAL ACTIVITY BY THE END OF THE YEAR.

2 PEOPLE in History at Red Lobster.

If you could have dinner with any 2 persons whether from past or present, who would it be and why?

My co-worker Jamie asked me this question yesterday and I really put some thought into it. It was an off spasm answer; however, I really have reason behind it. I would honestly have lunch with Adolph Hitler and Malcolm X. No, I am NOT nuts. Just listen to my reasoning:

Adolph Hitler – he targeted Jews in a genocide known as the Holocaust. People view him as Satan himself, which I agree. My personal opinion of him is that he was the scum bag of the earth. He was evil. And that he is now feeling the wrath of his work in hell. BUT I want to know why. Why? What made you do that to 17 million innocent civilians? What made you torture them the way you did? Why did you hate them? I REALLY want to know. What inspired you to build concentration camps and gas chambers just to create death? Plus I want to conversate with him about what is going on nowadays and get his view of what’s going on in the earth. Do you think he would suggest genocide of another race?

Malcolm X aka Malcolm Little – African American Muslim minister, public speaker, and human rights activist. He fought hard for equal rights. He wanted to see a brighter future for blacks and any discriminated races alike. I have read his book and can figure out why he, or why would anyone want to be treated equal. We are all Gods children and were created equal.. So we shall be equal. I just want to talk to him and show him what a difference he made. WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT. That would bring a smile to anyone’s face that experienced slavery or discrimination. I want to talk to him about the way things are today as well. I want to know his insight. What is wrong with these people? What does he think the outcome will be? PLUS. I want him and Hitler to talk. I want to know how he feels about what Hitler did.

Super random I know. Hitler would probably run as fast as he could if he saw 2 “niggers” awaiting his presence. LOL. If only.

seasons & lifetimes.

people come and they go throughout your life. people are meant to be in your life for a season or lifetime, that is how the saying goes right? And those people who are their for a season were their to teach you something. whether if it is not to be so naive, or be so non-trusting, etc etc. When I was in school i thought friendship lasted forever. well, your CLOSE friends. ya know your best friends for life, your "sisters", your bitches etc etc. then it seems as the years passed your truest friends dropped like flies. they you are confused about the concept of friendship and trust. its like the feeling of a large boulder suddenly being dropped on your heart. then you become lonely.. i mean your TRUEST CLOSEST SISTER just effing dissed you, you think i will trust anyone? yes it is like that. you push everyone else away until you start to yearn for closeness. then you open yourself back up.. with restrictions of course. then something else goes wrong and you shut yourself out once again. i have been shut out for awhile. like an insect being trapped in its cocoon and unable to break free. its almost impossible to trust. and it seems like everywhere i turn my heart is broken. a few years ago i was having a conversation with my cousin and she asked me "Who do you think you will still be friends with when school is done and over with?" I named a few people, and ironically i am no longer friend with those individuals. for reasons known and unknown. but when i look back, everyone of those bitches taught me something. they made me wiser, more realistic, and very distrusting person. i was never the one to end a friendship. it just isn't me. well relapse, i use to never be the one to end the friendship. i ended ONE and in the end i found out that SHE was a true friend. i remember sitting in a car listening to "friends" having the audacity to tell me that THEY were my true friends. THEY will never do anything to hurt me. THEY will always be there. SHE was not a true friend. like an idiot i believe them. i trusted them. i poured my heart and feelings into them. ironically that was less then a year ago. THEY went and formed their own friendship, THEY are planning to move on with their lives, THEY are their for one another but rarely keep in touch with me. their reasons are because everyone is doing their own thing and they dont want to interfere. translation: we grew out of our friendship with you and formed our own. and in my times of loneliness the friend i dissed is still here for me. still best friends. still there. i may sound dramatic, but my emotions run deep. i have no "layers" or "surfaces". you cut me once it'll never happen again. its gets to the point i have to fight the feeling of making that individual feel the hurt of breaking my heart. make those hoes feel how it feels to be hurt, ya know? i had got to the point of being unforgiving. BUT.. i got passed all the hurt, the relentlessness, the revenge. it takes a lot of energy to hold grudges and feel hurt all the time. the shit is like a domino affect. shit, i feel i always did a lot for my friends and the ones i use to call "sisters". i poured my heart out to them. i even made one the godmother of my child entrusting her with my son's life. shit hurts.. a lot. but we live and we learn. at 19, i feel i have come to the realization of what that saying means. "people are in your life for a season or a lifetime". as much as the pain still lingers, i thank the individuals that were in my life for that season. i am who i am because of you. and i wish success and properity to those that were seasonal in my life. but most importantly i thank the ones who will be in my life for a lifetime, all of you are unknown to me as of now.. but i will find out as soon as the lord above makes it known.

sooongs.

So. I had to do a system recovery on my computer; which erased ALL my songs. So, I am re-downloading.. I am listening to some songs and i want to record my memorables:

1. Youth Asylum (Colors Everywhere) -- Makes me think of my plane trip to Hawaii 8th grade summer. I played this over and over to keep from getting sick.

2. Usher feat. Monica (Slow Jam) -- 8th grade my first slow dance with my first love. (^_^)

3. Aaliyah (I Miss You) -- When Aaliyah passed (RIP)

4. Aaliayh (4 pg letter) -- first middle school crush. lol, i created a paper card for him. lol

5. Aaliyah (One I gave my heart to) -- everytime a boy made me sad in high school.

6. Lisa Lisa (All Cried Out) -- everytime a nigga really made me sad in high school.

7. Lil Corey (Say Yes) -- me & david's "early" days. LOL.

8. Lil Corey (The First Time) -- me & my first love's first argument.. spiteful nigga. lmao.

9. Lil Corey (The Cutest Girl) -- a dude on myspace tryna get at me, he sent me this song. He still didnt get play, but he got a response sharing how thoughtful he was. lol

10. Hitman Sammy Sam (Stepdaddy) -- middle school theme song on the bus. me, amanda, erika, brittany, and whoever else. lol

11. Nick Cannon (Gigilo) -- lol. dancing in Cram around the 7th and 8th grade hallways.

12. Nick Cannon (Can I Live) -- i thnk this made everyone sad. (psssh..)

13. Christina Millian (Dip it Low) -- freshman year rolling around my living room tryna mimic her moves. lol

14. Christina Millian (Miss you like crazy) -- I use to date some dude in high school and put this on my xanga for him. lol

15. Dem Franchise Boyz (White Tee) -- I HATE THAT SONG. It was a freshman ex ringtone.. AND HE CALLED 80X A DAY! Cried when I wouldnt go to the movies with him. And wrote me notes in crayon. then after 2 weeks talked about marriage and a baby. he so got dumped.

16. Isyss (Beautiful U) -- i dedicated this to my fiance. =) (loove you..)

17. 3LW (Playas gone Play) -- in elementary sitting at my best friend Kasi's house dancing with her cats. lmao.

18. Khia (Do the thick girl) -- laughing at the gay niggas on YOUTUBE do the thick girl. lol, in my mom's computer room in the red carpet getting it.

19. Crime Mobb (Run up get done up) -- Me and Juliece use to pull up to everyone's houses bumping this song thinking we are bad and cute. lol. them me and Shae pulled up to David's house playing this bout to fight the hoodrats. LMAO.

20. Ying Yang Twins feat Pitbull (Shake) -- i did a step performance at Brinley 4 months pregnant to this song. i got that shit!

21. Bubba Sparxxx (Ms. new Booty) -- when some new girl named Taryn came to Cimarron. Everyone nicknamed her Ms. New Booty, for reasons i dont know. (LMAO)

22. Ying Yang twins (Pull my hair) -- me and Quay's SHIT all through high school.

23. Ying Yang Twins (That baby dont look like me) -- I just remember sitting in the middle of the party when they played this shit.. and all the lames got on the floor swearing they were getting it.

24. Lil Jon feat Lil Scrapy (What you gon do) -- me and Quay's many get hyphee songs over the phone.

25. Shopboyz (Party Like a Rockstar) --my 17th birthday. Tyrone had this song as a ringtone and it CONTINOUSLY kept ringing. LMAO.

26. Too Short (Shake that monkey) -- Dancing with *** at a pajama party. lol. i knocked his socks off!

27. Snoop Dogg (Life of the Party) -- in the Denali on the way to prom. This was the best song we had, we left all the cds, LOL.

28. Shawnna (Gettin some head) -- my FUCKING THEME SONG!

29. Too Short (Gangsters and Strippers) -- reminds me of David's dad and crazy cousin Dj!

30. The Pack (Candy) -- driving home from a party at the fiesta with Sean and Juliece at Mikkie D's. We was tryna beat 12 o'clock curfew.

31. The Pack (Vans) -- reminds me of Victor (Bambam) and Quisey dancing to this song at Quise's house. LOL.

32. Snoop Dogg (Step yo Game Up) -- in my Uncle Juggs car driving somewhere. lol

33. The Pack (Dumb in my backpack) -- this shit just remind me of Sean, lmao.

34. The Pack (Freaky Boppa) -- me and Vita dancing in the Altima getting off of work.

35. Ying Yang Twins (Get low) -- first Cram dance i attended and danced to this song. i couldnt dance for shit.. no rhythm!

36. Neyo (Let Go) -- everytime I broke up with my baby's father.

37. Neyo (Nobody) -- reminds me of Honey for some reason.. lol

38. Neyo (Mirror) -- reminds me of Adam tryna slow dance in front of the tv. lol

39. Jamie Foxx feat Twista (Slow Jams) -- held my breath and rapped the whole Twista part to my mama so she think I can rap. lmao.

40. Jamie Foxx feat Marsha (Freak n Me) -- shit, need I say more? (listen to the song! you'll figure it out! lmao)

41. Lloyd (Hey Young Girl) -- the beginning of my freshman year at Cimarron. I was so damn innocent.

42. Lloyd (Have my baby) -- one of my firsts out of many. =)

43. Mario feat Lil Wayne (Crying out for me Remix) -- in the Hyundai Sonata with Ddog when Pluto stayed far awaay. We were tryna outrap one another. lol

44. Mario (Nikes fresh out the box) -- SOPHOMORE YEAR! lol. all the boys thought they could sing this damn sing.

45. Chris Brown feat Tpain (Kiss Kiss) -- them lame ass performances during lunch for thr football players at Cimarron lol

46. Tpain (Cant believe It) -- Zay singing the WHOLE song with Vita last Halloween.

47. Tpain (Im sprung) -- end of freshman year. (miss it!)

48. Jamie Foxx (Do what it do) -- never to disclose. lmao.

49. Tpain (Buy you a drink) -- when this song came on at a party EVERYONE danced. lol

50. Tpain (Church) -- This just remind me of Vita and her ipod touch. lol

51. Yung Joc feat Lloyd (Tear it Up) -- bumping this song pulling up to David's house thinking I was sexy. lol

52. The Dream (Luv Songs) -- city boys party marathon song #2

53. The Dream (Purple Kisses) -- city boys party marathon song #1. lol

54. The Dream (Shawty is the shit) -- You know the forward text messages that go out like what song reminds you of me? My brother Terell replied this song. I felt loved. lmao.

55. Rihanna (Unfaithful) -- Ddog rolling around his mama floor singing and dramatically interpreting this song.

56. Rihanna (Theres a Thug in my Life) -- summer song in middle school.

57. Rihanna (We Ride) -- this reminds me of Alisa (I miss her!)

58. Jagged Edge (Promise) -- had this sing dedicated to me a couple times. lol

59. Jagged Edge (Wifey) -- my YOUNGER days. haha.

60. Jagged Edge (Where the party at) -- lol I made a homevideo shaking my booty when I was like 8?

61. Jagged Edge (He cant love you) -- my Uncle Chad, he showed me his sentimental side. lol he asked me to burn this on a disc.

62. Jagged Edge (Good Luck Charm) -- he who shall not be named sent me this song one night before I went to sleep sophomore year.

63. Yung Joc (Going down) -- another song that was played at parties and had EVERYONE dancing.

64. Bobby Valentino (Hands on me) -- at Lil Darlings a black girl stripped to this song and got that shit. She had so much money on the stage.

65. Lil Wayne feat Bobby V (Mrs office) -- me and Juliece's fave song to dance too. and Zay's 2nd learned song. lol

66. Bobby V (Home is where yu belong) -- David's ex. (Blaaaah)

67. Souljah Boy (Dunk) -- The night I got drunk at Paris's house for the first time. Morgan was such a bad influence. lol (Where's Ddog? ..insider.. lmao)

68. Souljah Boy (Crank dat) -- Zay's first dance!!

69. Boosie (Smoking on Purple) Me and Shae's smoking song. lmao

70. Webbie (Gutta Bitch) -- me and Alisa's theme song twowards one another.

71. Lil Wayne (Pussy Money Weed) -- another Wayne song when Pluto lived far away.

72. Lil Wayne (Something you forgot) -- graduation night, he played this song ever since i left.

73. Lil Wayne (Forever) -- reminds me of my lil brother Charlie. =(

74. Lil Wayne (Phone Home) -- driving from Sean's house, stole his CD, and Zay was singing it.

75. Lil Wayne (Down for my niggas) -- riding home from ditching school with Tayanni and Alisa sophomore year. ever since, this is our hyphee song.

76. Lloyd (Hazel) -- the song that me and David feel in love to. lol it played at Hollywood, it became our theme song.

77. Dream (Falsetto) -- 17 orgasms? lol (insider)

78. T.I. (Porn Star) -- reminds me of my co-worker Anthony. When we shared a cubicle last year this is all he sang.

79. Drake feat Lloyd (A Night Off) -- plane ride back from Seattle, this song kept me calm.

80. Blaque (When the last tear drop fall) -- Me, Quay, Cassie, Amara etc we all had these on our xangas our last day of 8th grade Cram.

81. E-40 (Happy to be here) -- reminds me of Honey singing.

82. MusiQ (So Beautiful) -- my David sung this to meee. lol

will be cont..

yourOWNself

self esteem or confidence. most people have it and others dont. it just doesnt mean your cocky or not, or you are smart or not, or what you thnk about yourself. it does indeed tie in with those 3 but it also has somethng to do with your performance in whatever you do, motivation and drive, your emotions etc. its what you are and what you do. and not ALL basis of your self esteem are equally balanced. they're different intervals. you may thnk ur the shit but your motivation is at an all time low. you may be smart as hell but you are ashamed of your looks. it varies, but thats life.. when one is low you work on it until it becomes satisfactory..then work on somethng else.. then somethng else until your intervals are high enough that YOU yourself is satisfied. but what happens when one after another drops rapidly allowing you no time to fix them? what do you do then? any suggestions? shit, some drink, do drugs, run away, cry etc. whatever temporarily gives them a false high to cope. or you form an invisible wall around you to keep EVERYTHING out. some even do what the outsiders say. Shut up and do somethng about it. We do, but it is continuous raining blows pushing you back down before you get a chance to stand up. A person can only take so much before they end up in a state of confusion, give up, or develop an ice cold heart. They lose themselves.. and if you can't find ursself you lose everythng slowly.

There's no other way to fixx it. So I cope. My high is my mini me, but that's slowly leaving me. God, I ask for your forgiveness and assistance.

week 2.

well i havent wrote in here in awhile. shit, what can I say, life is hectic. but when i haven't wrote in a while, I do have more to tell. But one thing that I have been thinking about today. the past. I was thinking about how much since the past and now that i have changed and i can say that is a WHOLE LOT. I have grown up so much people can honestly say that I have changed whether if its for the worst or the better in their opinion. and I was also thinking about people I use to associate myself with. in all honesty, I can say that I miss a good fourth of people i use to fuck with and the memories associated with the fourth, however i guess that is why they are in the past.

employment. in society; Las Vegas's unemployment rate is 10%. That number seems small, however when you do the math it is BIG. and keep in mind, everyone knows someone who is unemployed. but i am one of the fortunate ones that has a job and a good one as well. but when do you say enough is enough? i will and stand up beside when i say that i work for the worst company in the USA. and i speak for over half of the employees at my job. my job has the benefit of the CEO working in the same building as is overseeing us, however in the sake of our company, that benefit is a CURSE. i am the youngest worker there at the fresh age of 18 and I feel i have more sense then half them muthafuckas out there. remember when you watch movies, or heard stories of management and bosses at BIG corporations that treat their employees like shit? walking all over them and cussing them out? and you would say uhuh that would not be me? well I am living in the nightmare. at times i come home from my job in tears because of the frustration and stress that job gives. my body represents my age of 18, however my mindframed is stretched all the way out to a crackhead that is 60 something yrs old. and the lingering threat of unemployment. the fear that you can be fired at any moment. in a year my job's turnover is 400 employees in a year. plus, my job will fight you all the way to court not to provide unemployment. i can honestly say I attempted to walk away from it all, however for some reason God wants me there. so when do you say enough is enough? It becomes tiresome fighting for you pride each and everyday,

relationships. how do you become a better wife? in my situation i can admit and say i am married. me and him are together 24/7, and even look over my son together, and when times are hard combine our own together for each of us to make it. but sometimes I feel asif on my part I am insufficient. i believe that it is due to my lack of self esteem however I cant help but to feel that way. my baby, he assures me everyday he loves me i am not pushing him away, he feels the same.. but why do i continue to believe that my own self is not giving the 50% required to make it work?

family. shit sucks. muthafuckas do not know how to act. fucking unappreciated ass pricks. i still stand family is NOT SHIT. family are strangers that are related that does you in faster than strangers. i stand for the ones I LOVE. not my relatives.

well, my brain is in overload. i have a lot balled up inside that even letting it out is becoming is overwhelming.

week 1.

so I have figured out that my life is so damn hectic during the week. I have no time outisde of work, school, and motherhood. So I have decided to make the weekly blogs. my lessons learned during the week.. so I wont have to cram my thoughts out on a daily basis.

this week has been a bit better than most. i finally went out and acted my age for once, which i have noticed doesnt work. lol. i would rather sit at home with my kid and watch madagascar all day then go to a party and get coniving looks from little girls and worry about getting a bullet getting put up my ass. i can admit i did have fun, but was relieved when i went to bed. that was my excitement for the month.

i feel a little better about work. work is getting a bit better because i have been a lot more vocal lately. i dont take much shit anymore. a lot of people have noticed a BIG change in me and i can admit i have changed a lot. honestly i can be a bitch at times, but i still have a soft side. i guess i finally got tired of being taken advantage of. people said i would snap one day.. i guess i did.

im looking forward to expierence a part of life that was missing for so long. i believe in may i will be adventuring and partaking on a new journey. i am overjoyed. it is a blessing to be able to have found a part of me. well multiple parts of me. lol, i believe i am getting on everyone nerves because i love talking about it. all i can really say is that i thank god for it all. and my love does take some credit.. god gave him the sign to give me the motivation to do it.

another thing that i have learned this week is that i am so damned greatful. love is a beautiful thing and can also breed pain.. however the love i have now brings tears, but tears of emotion and joy. the love i have refuses to bring me pain, it overworks to keep smiles on my face and stress off my back, and every weekend that i solely spend with that love, i learn more and more. im happy, no i am not happy. i have no words to explain how this love makes me feel. its unconditional. something that i have always given but never received. and i am happy to finally receive what i've been giving all these years.

now for another week. but the good thing is i am optimistic. it'll go fast. plus i am chasing paper. i cant STAND standSTILL money, that shit comes with consequences, and having a clear conscience is all that matters.

another day.

Sometimes you have a day that seems useless. Something just happened to where it makes the whole day dark and nonexistant. That was a day I had today. So what is the only thing you're able to write about your day when you have a day like that? Not a damn thing. But one thing I can say, I can't understand what makes people do what they do.

mood: content for the night.

sometimes you wait a lifetime for something so small.

today, I accomplished something that some takes for granted everyday. I spoke with someone that I waited my whole life to speak with. Someone that is apart of me that had been missing out of my life , my whole life. And I am only ecstatic that I was able to do so. It warmed my heart as well as my soul to know that that "someone" was thinking me me, just as much as I was thinking of them. It was a great feeling, as well as it opened up a door of endless possibilities and journeys I have yet to partake in. =)

I also had to let go of someone as well. This someone is suppose to be a big part of your life, however, it seems as if they only played a small part. How I think and feel will go against my morals if I were to continue to allow this person to maintain a place in my life. It would only encourage my self destruction. That is something that I must stay away from. I am not cold hearted, I am far away from it, however I am immune to minimal devastations in life that people may think is major. I love hard, however I can let go easily. It is all a part of growing up and learning. Just because we are set in our ways and think what we do is right, it doesn't mean that the things we do are always right. A part of life that is unavoidable are mistakes, so instead of being overly cautious and running awake from them, we should embrace them. Because a mistake done, and a lesson learned could save you in a later situation.

Im in for the night. I have had a good day as my son and David always makes my days worthwhile. I love you guys.